The End

So here i sit, 3 hours left in this hell that is where I am living. I have a lot of packing to do still and all I want to do is just leave with what is already packed. I know this summer has been a horrible experience for me, but honestly, what would summer be if i didn't hate it.

The one observation I will leave this summer with is that even though I am leaving, I feel nothing. I'm not angry or happy, I'm just blank, empty, unknowing I guess. That is what this place does to me, it eats away at me and leaves me empty.

The Further I go, The Farther I get

The further i go in life, the farther it seems that i get away from everything i know. I am leaving pretty much every single person I know, the place that I call my true home, and all normality that I may have had in my life. I'm moving to Canada in a week, and I just don't know. I feel that what I am doing is right for me, but at the same time I know that I am missing out. I'm missing out on the lives of my friends, I'm missing out on carrying on my life with everyone that I have become accustomed to, and I'm missing out on going back to a place that I feel comfortable and feel like I have lived my whole life.

I have also felt that since I am leaving for 4 months, everyone else will be carrying on their lives without me. I don't want to sound selfish, but I'm just concerned that when I come back, people will have learned to live without me, and that I will have just become another random kid that may or may not have a place to return to.

I just want to know that things are always gonna work out, but there is never, ever any way to tell. I just have to roll with the punches I guess and hopefully in 4 months I will just be able to come back and not have missed out on too much.

I don't do it for myself, I do it all for others.

I've thought lately about the things that I go through and if they are really worth the time and effort that i spend thinking about them, let alone dealing with them. I find myself being someone who everyone comes to for in need of help, and I don't have a problem with that. It's just that I have been feeling hurt myself because I can't help these people out of their predicaments. One friend is having financial problems. All I want to do is help her find a way around the problem and help her to be able to do what she wants.

Then I have at a handful of other friends that need me for various reasons, none that I will go into. I would never turn them down or turn them away if they came to me in need. I will go out of my way to talk someone through something that they may not feel that they can make it through. I am trying to find out why I am who I am, and this is one part of me. I find that I am not trying to help people out to make myself look good. I'm not helping all the people in the world. I am helping the people in my life that mean something to me. I need these people just as much as they need me. Maybe not every day, maybe not for the same reasons, but I need them nonetheless.

Not really sure why I'm writing this, not really sure where its going. I just know that what im doing is what I want to do, even if I am being hurt because I am helping them through something.

I will go through anything that I have to in order to see those I care about happy, even if it means I have to go through their pain for them.

Heroes get Remembered, Legends Never Die.

Have I met a legend in my lifetime? Who really knows. I'd like to think that I have met plenty of heroes though. If not heroes in the eyes of others, at least heroes in my own. There have only been a few people who have played hero to me throughout the years, but for these people I owe who I am to. My first hero would be my dad, like most people would say. I've seen him do whatever he wants with his life, from insurance to drive, from owning his own business to running an entire auditorium. He has made me see that I can in fact do whatever I really want to do with my life, as long as I believe in it and as long as others believe in me.

Next would have to be my brothers. Dan, of course being my blood relative brother, and Chris, who is a brother to me almost as much as Dan. Both have been there for me whenever I needed them. I remember a time back when I was about 14 and was in town with some friends. I had pissed off a kid because he was screwing with my friend and I stood up to him. He didn't take kindly to that and decided the best course of action was to kick my ass. It just happend to be a friday night and we were walking alone in the dark. As luck had it, the kid was walking toward us. I pulled my friends off the beaten path, but it was too late. He kicked my ass while my friends just sat and watched, but thats a different story all together. My brother picked me up a little while later and asked me what happend. I told him and we drove home. Chris was living with us at the time as he did for almost 4 years. Chris was their in the driveway when we pulled in and my brother told me to get out. He told Chris to get in and off they went. Within an hour they were back and seemed content with what they had done. I was told later, after we had all sat down and relaxed a little, that they had gone to every party going on that night, found the kid, and Chris held him up against a wall while the two of them told them that if he ever fucked with me again, he would regret it. From that point on, I knew that I had people looking out for me at home as long as they were around.

Finally, the hero who I still look up to now, who may have gotten me through my biggest hardships that I have been through. I haven't been able to spend time with him as much as I did freshman year, but I still get to talk to him from time to time. I was able to survive my first year at college because of him, and I still look up to him each day that goes by. He has been so successful so far, and all I can do is hope to catch up to him some day. He is one of the reasons that I have progressed so much in two years, and is also the reason that I strive to be better. I want to be successful. I want to succeed at everything I set my mind to. I want to be able to look back and say that I did my best and that I have no regrets. Most of all, I want to be able to achieve as much as he has. I don't know if I'm on the right road to achieve everything that I want to, but I want to believe that I am.

I really do know heroes in real life, and to me, they will be legends, because they will never die in my head. I can only hope that some day, someone looks at me as a hero, and wishes that they could be like me.