Somewhere....

"Somewhere between happy and total fucking wreck."

Truer words have never graced my ears. I can't say that I'm happy by any means, but I also can't say that I am completely beyond hope. I have found myself to be completely alone here at home. I know I've said it before, but I truly mean it now. There is nothing and no one keeping me here. No reason to stay, no reason to even get up and do what I do day to day. When you are living simply to live, there is something wrong in my opinion. There should always be something ahead of you, always something that you are living for. I am living for the future, but it's hard to live for the future when you are trying to just get by day to day.

I don't know where the future is taking me. I am going abroad for a semester with a handful of others, some that I know, some that I don't. I don't think that it will be hard to meet people in Canada, to make new friends, and to have a good time. It's just that getting that far is going to be the hard part. I'm holding on to every single rope that I can grab, and am not sure which ones are actually going to take me anywhere.

While I feel totally alone, I also feel that I am the only one that has my back in this shit-hole of a town. I can't trust anyone here to be there for me when I need them. I can't trust anyone to do anything for me, so I have to do everything I need myself. I can live with that for the rest of this summer, but I shouldn't have to.

I went to Burlington for 4 days, and the minute I got there I knew things were different then here. The minute I got there, there were people waiting for me, people that wanted to see me, people that were willing to do anything for me. In the days to follow I truly found that they were there for me if I needed anything. Then I had it all ripped away from me when I had to come back to NY. This isn't home. Home is where your family is. Home is where you can be happy. My real family is in Vermont. My real family are the friends that have struggled through daily problems at my side, and who I have struggled through by their side.

I don't see why people want to be in this place. I don't see why anyone would want to stay in the country instead of experiencing a city, no matter how big or small it is. I just don't know why I have no one that I can connect with here. I guess I just have to rely on myself more than ever.

"But how we survive is what makes us who we are."