I was an idiot.

Clearly stated, I was an idiot.

I was waiting a while to actually complete this post because I have yet to actually fall back into my full writing capabilities that I am used to having. I have clearly made mistakes in the past, mistakes that I regret but live with every day. I look back on these mistakes and wonder what I could have done differently. I believe that the mistakes were inevitable to be made on my account. I now look at them as choices instead of mistakes. These choices I made may have not made sense at the time, but I feel that they were the right ones to make. All except for one. The last time we talked I was angry.

You had visited Burlington for an entire weekend. I was hundreds of feet from you and I never even knew it. When I found out that you were in Burlington, you had already left. I was so angry, so frustrated that you had not even mentioned it to me. I wanted to see you so bad. I still want to see you. I was so frustrated by it that instead of thinking clearly I just impulsively made everything your fault. I never considered that you may have actually been busy the entire time. I just felt that after what we had shared, I might have gotten some time with you. I also have spent the longest time sitting on a piece of information that only I truly know. This is also the reason I was so upset that you didn't see me while you were there.

I have never stopped having feelings for you, and I didn't want to tell you it online, I wanted it to be in person. I was waiting patiently for you to visit so that I could tell you that I have never stopped thinking about you. I have missed you for what seems like forever. I have you letter that you sent me while I was on my trip abroad, and I keep it safe. It is truly one of my more important things in life. I also have the picture that you sent with it, except now it is framed and sits in plain view in my apartment. I look at it and think of the happy times we spent with each other. I can remember the day we took that picture and how happy the two of us were to just be with each other.

So yea, that why I was an idiot, I screwed up any relationship that we had, friendship or otherwise, because I was upset. I have wanted to reconnect with you for a long time, but felt that you probably still hated me for the way that I acted. I was so surprised that you had actually kept up with this blog and when you made it clear that you still did, I was actually happy for the first time in a while. I miss the closeness that we had, I miss the ability to share everything with you. I have yet to actually connect with someone on the same level that I connected with you, and I have yet to trust someone the way I trusted, and still do, trust you. If the opportunity arises in the future for us to see each other, I would hope that it would be possible, because I know that it is top priority on my list.