Everyone mis-steps sometimes

"I used to be someone better back then"

The year has begun, and all the old feelings of excitement are coming back, but not staying for that long. With two senior teams, the RA job, Champ, and Study abroad recruitment running my life, I have little time left over to myself. The little time I do have I spend trying to keep my sanity, knowing that it is close to slipping. I find myself quite conflicted most of the time these days and I can't really resolve it. I can only hope that as time passes the conflicts kind of just smooth out. I find myself aching to get away, to get back to something familiar that I can't reach back to.


I can't explain why I am even writing this except for the one fact that I miss you. You visited for only minutes over a month ago, but I can still remember the sinking feeling inside when I saw you. We seem to have completely lost touch with each other and I hate it. I want to get back to the place where we were both happy, but I don't know if there is any going back to that. I don't want to just read about you in passing here and there anymore....

I miss you.


anyways, that's all i can get out right now.
not sure if you still read this, but I hope you do,
cause I still read yours.

Feeling Old

As I sit around on another night, I find that my thoughts have been building up, aching to burst free through my fingers. As I sit and think about the last 21 years of my life, going on 22 here soon, I find that I am feeling old and slightly out of place in the activities that I partake in. I went to a concert on Wednesday alone. Normally, I would have someone to go with me, but this was a different occasion due to the fact that school is out. The kids I hang out with here during the summer do not agree with the musical standpoint that I have, but I couldn't care less. As I pull up the the venue, 2 and a half hours after I have left Burlington, I find a small crowd, maybe 10 or 15, hanging outside waiting to get in. I park my car in the farthest spot away possible in order to get out ASAP when the show is over. I approach the venue with caution as I know no one in the city. I stand by the door near others that seem to be close to my age and wait to be let in. The show doors don't open for almost an hour after announced, so I sat and talked briefly with the other kids. As the doors are about to open, a bouncer walks out and asks for anyone who is 21 to please inform him so they could get a wristband. I was at the front of the line and spoke up. The guy took one look at my ID and handed it back to me. I was surprised that he didn't take a second look, this was the easiest it has ever been. The other kids I was standing with also handed him their IDs, so I was feelin pretty good. He draws X's on their hands and they go "OH, Over 21? yea thats not us." The guy calls out one last time and walks back inside. I am the only one at the show that was 21 that waited in line. After getting in, I saw people show up sporadically that had the wristbands on, but I still felt a bit strange.

I have had these feelings for a while now and while they aren't going to stop me from doing anything, they do lurk in the back of my mind. They especially affect me when I realize that I am in my last year of college and will have to move on to the real world after this. I am not really scared, but more of impressed by how far I have come. I would like to know how far I will eventually go, but that is more of a wait and see type of thing.

Setting my goals

I pick apart faults that
I've made in the past
Caused affection to pass.
I want to learn from mistakes,
I want it to be OK if I hold on tighter.
--------------------------------------

Shouting words at a mirror,
Trying to find the hero
They all say I am.
This voice behind these verses
Is still so far from perfect.
I don't want to let any of you down.

Scars of the Past

So, I talked about deleting parts of my past in one of my previous posts. I could not find a better connection to that than the scars of the past that I had tried to forget all over my body. From the random things I have done in my short 21 years here, I have acquired numerous scars. A lot of these have become unnoticeable in every day life but this last weekend I got a gnarly sunburn. The sunburn itself is nothing more than a change in color, no real pain to me, but it did something I didn't expect. The scars became plain as day on my body and I just looked at them in amazement. So much I have gotten rid of, so much that came back all at once. In a couple days the burn will be gone and with it the appearance of the scars. I am glad, in a way, that they are leaving me. Some of them bring back things I would rather have not remembered, and I just don't need the reminder every time I look down.

Thoughts

My heart skips a beat as I see your missed message
I eagerly read it hoping for something....
I can't think and my fingers lock up
What can i say that will make up for what has happened?
My brain aches and my heart pauses as I simply hit "send"
With every moment after I read "Message Sent" I sit and wonder
Wonder if better words could have been comprised
As the minutes pass, I can only sit and think that the words I sent were the wrong ones to send.
My itunes is on random and the lyrics pull me in
I realize that the song puts into words what I can't
"Always, your on my mind, and if I can't sleep without you then why would I even try to?"
I finally scroll to your name and hit call, not sure what to expect when you pick up
The moment I hear your voice, everything else goes silent and gray.
In that moment your voice is the only thing in the world that seems to matter.
As my senses seem to recover, I notice my body shaking uncontrollably
I hear your laugh and the picture you sent me that currently occupies my mantle fills my mind
A time when were both complete with just sitting with each other under a tree in the darkening afternoon light.
With every word that you say, I hate myself a little bit more, knowing how badly I screwed everything up.
My stomach turns around and around again. I feel sick realizing what I've done.
The last two days the thought of you has never left my mind and I've tried so hard to do something about it....
I know I screwed up and What I wouldn't give to just have another day with you where we never got out of bed, where we never let each other go, where nothing else in the entire world seemed to matter.
I try to find strength in the things around me, in my music and in anything else that I have.
The people I call friends don't understand what is going on and I can't explain it to them because I already know their responses.
I pull your letter from the envelope that sits beneath your picture.
The card tells me that its there to make me feel better when ever I may feel down, and this is one of those times.
Another text, this was barely readable, I know your drunk
Will you even remember in the morning?
More thoughts for my brain to try to filter through before focusing back on anything else.
Now more minutes pass, your texts have stopped, have you fallen asleep or are you just done with things for the night? I wish i could fall asleep beside you. Just to feel the excitement, the pure happiness that I used to when i woke to find you to be the first thing I saw, the first person I touch, the first person I talk to.
The world has played a shitty hand and folding just isnt an option.

I wrote again

I wrote tonight.

I realized why I haven't written anything in so long.

I just don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Story of a girl

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
When she smiles