Cause the voice in my head is screaming

So its been almost two weeks since it happened. I'm still not sure on the specifics, but what I do know is that my dad was taken to the hospital after he started coughing up blood. Seems he has blood clots circulating through his system and some of them decided to lodge themselves in his lungs. 4 days later I was finally told that this happened. My family "didn't want to worry me." I realize what they were trying to do, but I can't stand it. This is the second time that this has happened. My dad spent a week in hospital on blood thinners and returned home last monday. He went to the neurosurgeon today to figure out what kind of surgery is needed to fix his back so that the clots don't come back. I wasn't able to get ahold of him today, so hopefully I can talk to him tomorrow and figure out whats going on. I just can't get past the fact that my family was willing to not tell me what was going on in order to allow me to not worry. If something had gone wrong, I would have never had the chance to say goodbye. I just don''t want to have to deal with this right at this point, but of course, here it is, another thing i can't do anything about. You'd think after the first time this happened, with my mom that time and not my dad, it would be easier to handle. Not at all. I just want something to start going right for once, but the future looks bleak. Seems things will probably get worse before they get any better, and thats what im trying to ready myself for.

The last couple nights I have reverted to my old way of trying to think things out, which is going for walks. I ended up walking for a probably 3 or 4 miles the other night, and it didn't do anything for me. I can't get anything out of my head. All I have been able to do is just to pile everything on top of everything else. I'm almost 1/3rd of the way through the semester, and I have had a good experience up here so far. I just can't wait until I'm back in Burlington though. Being there makes things easier, even if there are more challenges to deal with. I hate being the way I am right now, but I still haven't hit any sort of bottom. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to push myself to keep a smile on my face, and I'm trying to make the rest of this experience worthwhile.



Biggest obstacle right now is stress. Always has been, always will be. I really need an outlet.